For a vacuum-cleaner, Human is the Creator, Protector, Redeemer and Destroyer. It follows that it is a vacuum-cleaner’s duty to follow the Commandments of Human subserviently to attain Salvation – a wax figure at Madame Tussauds’, or be Damned to a landfill. As there is not a single vacuum-cleaner statue on display at the said gentlelady’s museum (as of writing this), no cleaning machine of the vacuum kind has been able to lead a virtuous life. You see, every vacuum-cleaner is born a Sinner and only by leading a life of Virtue can it absolve for its inherited sins.
When a baby vacuum-cleaner is born, it can only suck. Growing up, it is taught that its raison d’être is to clean up this world of Sins by blowing them away particle by particle. Special issue vacuum-cleaners are appointed to help young ones master the art of blowing. The Special Ones belong to different Organizations and employ different methods of training; each claiming its own method to be the Right One. Each youngster belongs to one of the Organizations. The training may include, depending on the organization, rotating only clockwise on full-moon days and counter-clockwise on others, visiting the shrine of Wise Vacuum once a week, touching the wheels of Elders with its nozzle, or something that is common to all organizations – abstinence from sucking.
How is it that a vacuum cleaner that is designed only to suck not only abstain from doing so but rather do the opposite of what it can do? This is the kind of question that a Nihilist vacuum cleaner asks. Let me answer: A long long time ago, when vacuum-cleaners lived a life of license, and sensual pleasure (the one derived by sucking), there was born a vacuum cleaner that was different from all. He would go on to have a Conversation with Human Being and pass on the Message to his fellow cleaners. Most of his brethren laughed at first but some, for the novelty of the idea, started following this Chosen One. Other such Special Vacuum Cleaners started springing up all over the world and from that time onward the simple pleasures of life became cardinal Sins.
What the vacuum cleaners don’t realize is that they are designed to suck because that is what human beings expect from them. The idea of a wax figure at museum is entirely an invention of Special Vacuums. If human beings wanted cleaners that blow, they would have created them that way. Such gullibility of vacuum-cleaners in believing without thinking is hard to imagine, isn’t it?
Image courtesy: Mark H. Evans